I’ve had short hair most of my life.
I mean, short.
It was always easier to take care of and just more flattering for me in general. I tried growing my hair out many times and would get too frustrated with all the in-between phases of waiting and then I’d chop it off again.
The only problem with short hair is having to get it cut. Every 6-8 weeks.
When I left my job (three years ago now), I knew there were a lot of sacrifices and changes we’d have to make. I decided that it was the perfect time to grow out my hair. I made a pledge not to cut it for a year.
Truthfully, I think somewhere in my mind, I’m pretty sure I had things lined up perfectly. Yes, we’d have to make sacrifices and do things differently, but surely after a year, Jason would have new work and I could cut my hair as a symbol of a new season, or something crazy like that.
Usually when I make my plans, in the end they sound ridiculous.
One year went by. I managed to grow my hair out pretty long. And it was kind of a nice change so I decided to keep it that way. I got a trim and went on about my business, you know, assuming I knew how all things would play out.
Here I am, two years later, with the same long hair.
I’ve wanted to cut it several times over the last two years. And as crazy as this sounds to write it down (and I’m sure as crazy as it sounds to you reading it), I held back, thinking that if I cut my hair, somehow that meant that I wasn’t trusting God any more. Because my long hair symbolized this season we’re in.
I know, bizarre right?
And I guess whether it’s hair or something else, we can do that sometimes. We can cling tightly to the ideas we’ve formed in our mind about how God is going to work in our circumstances. I can tell you that I’ve had many ideas in the last few years about how God was going to work. And even though I knew that God doesn’t do things in our timing and in the ways we think He should, I’ve come to learn more that He is working. Even when we can’t see it.
In the last few months, I’ve been letting go of a lot of things I’ve been holding onto. Letting go of my expectations, letting go of the “things” that I’ve been hoping in, letting go of the ways I’ve assumed things will look in my life. And I’m finding when I do that, I’m more aware of other doors God might be opening.
I’ve been daring to dream this year again. And I’m learning in the dreaming again, that God just might put the pieces together in a different way than I picture and imagine. I’ve seen Him answer some prayers recently in ways that scare me to what they might mean. It’s forcing me to take the words that I’ve written about dreaming and put them into action.
One step. Then another. Praying for doors to be clearly opened and closed.
So instead of clinging to the ways that I was pretty sure things were going to play out, I’m opening my hands once again to the possibility of “what now.” Because really, it’s a much more free way to live.
And oh yeah, I cut my hair. Mostly, because I couldn’t take it anymore.
But you know how getting a haircut makes you feel lighter? Makes you feel a literal weight has been lifted? In my own weird way, cutting my hair was a reminder to let go of expectations, to let go of how I think things should go, and to remind myself His ways are way better than my own. To focus on the living small right in front of me, the small that I control each and every day in my words and actions.
Letting Him take the weight of burden I’ve been carrying.
Letting Him take the weight of figuring out how this dreaming thing is going to go.
Letting Him (in the words of my friend) write my story.
Let Him write yours too.